ok, maybe now that it is 102 degrees with 41% humidity, i can blame my depression on the heat. i actually started dry heaving in reaction to being out in the heat today, watching my kids play tennis. their little faces were beet red. i don’t know how they do it. several hours later, we still haven’t quite cooled off. we usually go to the pool after tennis but it practically feels like a lukewarm bath at this point and is still in the sun. so instead we came home and sprawled, zoning in front of several episodes of planet earth.

still, i am just sad. i said goodbye to our friends, josh and natalie last friday morning. we watched their u-haul pull away from our house after a final breakfast together (crepes, blueberry muffins, videlia and feta fritatta, coffee and fruit…just so you know). it was just so final, josh in the u-haul and natalie in the volvo station wagon with the bikes on the top and back. the girls split up, two taking a turn in the u-haul and little kyah in the car. little kyah who won’t even know who i am the next time i see her. last week she would run to me. she would climb into my lap if i sat down anywhere in her vicinity. she and simon would stand across the coffee table from one another and make funny noises.

i went to yoga on saturday and when we got to the final relaxation i closed my eyes and thought about going to their house to feed their chickens (the chickens didn’t make the cut…they moved this week to the country with friends, friends of josh and natalie’s not of the chickens). anyway…i started thinking about going over there to that empty house and no little girls popping out and hopping into my car and i just started crying. tears first creeping, then running out of my closed eyelids down my cheeks and onto the yoga mat. in fact, i have cried every day since they left. sunday morning was an absolute train wreck. i walked into church and realized again that they are really gone. they weren’t coming. on top of that, my sister and her kids left on monday. so i’ve been somewhere between very tired and very empty since then. the state of my house had become downright sinful, which i rectified last night by staying up until 2am cleaning out rooms and closets. only having been forced into action by the glorious expectation of ismari this morning. in fact, i can really only be writing right now because of the relative peace and order of my home in spite of how i feel.

i know i should be writing about the wonderful food we made at a party my sister, sister-in-law and mother gave last week. posting pictures and recipes. oh the food that we made this week, the four of us gals. or i could write about how i know that all will be well. God has a wonderful plan for josh and natalie. and for me, back here in the arkansas heat. or i could plan my trip to texas, to visit my friend. because apparently it’s not that far away. i know this because whenever i start crying about their leaving, this is what people say to me. dallas is not that far away. please don’t feel bad about saying that to me, but it just isn’t really the same. kindell can’t come over and spend the night tonight with mary polly. there will not be a very well-loved green frog on my living room floor for a very long time. i will not call natalie when i find organic spahetti sauce on sale and ask her if she wants me to pick some up for her. and she won’t call me to see if i want to split a case of annie’s goddess dressing.

well, maybe next week. i’ll write about something a little happier next week.

because next week, at least i’ll be cooler. we are leaving soon for vacation in the rockies. there is light at the end of the tunnel of this summer. and there are 70 degree days and mountains in my very near future! praise God!